If Evangelicals Taught Submission as Sexual, Bible Study Would Be Standing Room Only
Years ago as a new wife, in Bible study I would hear countless teachings on submission.
“Wives submit unto your own husbands as it is fit in The Lord…
“Wives submit unto your husbands in everything…
“The man is the head of woman…”
I was, although I’m an ex-evangelical now, a very dutiful one then and took copious notes on how to do this. When men’s leadership issues were to come up, if would be something like:
“Men, you are to lead by example, or “Men, you’re the head of your wife and The Lord expects you to care for her”.
You know, vague shit like that. We women would get three level outlines on how to submit, but men would get a note scratched on a napkin about leadership. In Evangelicalism though, leadership is very narrow. You are either a pastor, a preacher, a teacher, or a ministry leader. So normally when you hear about leadership, it’s usually in very strict “churchy” terms. For the most part, men would be in those positions, so they would get a whole lot more instruction on how to lead in those roles rather than in their role as husband.
Throughout my entire experience with Evangelicalism, women had a problem with submitting to their husbands in the way it was always taught to us. The problem was that many women had husbands who didn’t have the foggiest idea of what it meant to lead. Hell, most women. Me included.
See, most women marry men who have been raised to believe that taking control, especially when it comes to women and relationships, is a bad thing. Couple this with the fact that many men have been raised primarily by women, and who either knowingly or unknowingly, shaped them into “safe” men; men not comfortable or experienced with leadership or having a Dominant personality. Women have been taught, and with good reasons in a lot of cases, to be wary of men and to fear them. But, the problem is, who do I submit to then if I’m afraid to? And how? You’re barking at me submit, submit, submit, but…how?
Here’s the rub: a woman cannot submit to a man who doesn’t lead. It’s impossible. So, the onus is not on women submitting as we were constantly told, it was on men leading. How can a soldier carry out orders for a sergeant who sits in his tent all day asking if “you’re okay” with following his orders or giving no commands at all?
There was no pleasure in submission and women were bitter and I suspect still are because Evangelicalism has another problem: sex.
In these Bible studies I attended we talked about sex too in THEE most non-sensual way. The point wasn’t to get titillated; it was to learn. The talk was so clinical you could smell alcohol and disinfectant. We were married women we were the ones who were supposedly be enjoying sex. So, why was talking about it so unpleasant and awkward?
I was actually told once at a Bible study that we were not to engage in anything but missionary sex because the other types of sex, porn people did those things. Yes, I was told this and I questioned it, of course. I told her they had missionary in porn too. She acknowledged they did, but that was because that was the way they were supposed to be having sex, but the porn part was bad. Yeah, I spent way too long in Evangelical culture.
Fast forward many years since then to when I realized at 48 that I am a sexual submissive. It’s a pretty involved story for another post, but I realized Evangelical culture has it all wrong. If you taught women to be sexually submissive to their husbands, first, and left out all that other shit about who does what at the house, who takes care of the kids, cooks the meals, men would feel compelled to lead.
I’ve seen it play out in other marriages/relationships over and over and even in my own. If Evangelicals could get over their fear of talking about sex in real terms and let women know that their ability to serve their man sexually has the power to make him want to take the reins in other aspects of their lives, there would be a hell of a lot more satisfied wives and husbands. It involves letting him take the reins in the bedroom first. In my research of sexual submissives when I made my personal discovery, I was fascinated to learn that most women love and would love their man taking control in the boudoir.
If a woman leading Bible study said to wives. “Try crawling on your hands and knees slowly over to your husband and kneel in front of him with his cock in front of you and then very politely and sweetly as lemonade whisper: ‘Make I suck your cock, sir?’ and then do it with vigor.” Alright, realistically if it’s in church you wouldn’t use the word “cock”, but you get the point. Teach them about sex toys, how they enhance sex play. Teach them about sex as play. If this were the case, you’d have to run Bible studies like the Chick-fil-A lines.
Church women want to fuck just as much as non-church women. Church women are under a whole different burden though. I mean, how can you love Jesus and scream “Fuck me!” ?
Helping women to allow themselves to bask in the pleasure and enjoyment of being submissive to their husbands sexually is, I feel, important. If The Bible is telling her to “submit to her husband In Everything”, then teach her how- in everything. We put the submission cart before the horse so to speak. We start with the business of who’s in charge in the house and the man gets to call the shots on this, this, this and this. If she starts to love the joys of sexual submission, I have seen it translate into other things. Those pesky decisions take care of themselves.
I have heard of women saying that once they opened themselves up to their own and their spouses sexual energy and let go of control in the bedroom, all of a sudden the “honey do” list started getting done without a word from them. Date night started up again with their husbands getting the sitters. Men would call their wives and tell them what they wanted them to wear so they could take them out that night for dinner. Husbands started taking an interest in what their wives had to say. Communication improved. From sex? Yes, from sex. But not just any type. Being sexually submissive is a heady, potent form of sexuality and sexual availability. My husband and I had sex, but once I learned who I truly was, we started having SEX!
It requires that you believe you can trust your partner/spouse to take you to your limits and not go over. It involves a negotiation of control and how much of it you’re willing to give up to your spouse. When men feel like they can be allowed to be in charge in the bedroom, over something as vulnerable and open as your body, it goes a long way in helping them feel more dominant in other areas of their marriage. My husband said it makes him feel strong and trusted and he wants to bring that to other parts of our life. He has been afflicted with the “nice guy” disease too but believe me he’s in recovery!
Evangelicals say they want “God’s Way” when it comes to marriage/family but their marriages are breaking up at the same rate as people who claim no religion at all, which isn’t a thing, per se, but if you’re walking around touting you know it all, then shouldn’t you get better results?
Submission and Leadership is the basis of the so-called Christian marriage, so if that’s the case, why wouldn’t you teach the sexual aspect of submission and help women to learn to let go and trust their spouses? It’s liberating, enjoyable and you wind up with the marriage you say you want. I was on the inside for 25 years as an Evangelical. I’m not just talking out of my ass. They have a problem with pleasure in general and since sex is primarily pleasurable, there has to be a whole reset. Maybe sexy Bible studies is a start.